Bluffer's Guide to Shul - Top 10 Shul Mistakes

10. Botched Ark Opening: (aka. The undetectable curtain string)

Any ark opening delay whatsoever triggers the entire congregation to respond with the "It's on the other side!" scream coupled with some flailing hand gestures for further instruction and further humiliation

9. Asher Bachar Banu, Asher Natan Lanu Mix-up:

The real reason men close their eyes during aliyot: they are praying they remember which line is first.

8. Walking in During Kedusha:

Once you see the tippy-toeing Kadosh-Kadosh-Kadosh it's stop-drop-redlight-greenlight-1--2-3-Freeze mode. You take one step in and you've pretty much forfeited getting an aliyah for the next year.

7. The Mashiv HaRuach Skip:

If you are chazan and you skip this, people will react as if you just ate bacon and had relations with their wife in the kodesh kedoshim.

6. Beating Chest during SHABBAT Shemona Esrai:

You're so cool: You think you are so cool davening without a siddur on Shabbat, that is until you realize you are in the middle of Slach Lanu.

5. Scarfing: When the Only Tallit Left on the Rental Rack is The Scarf:

In many shuls, a Scarf tallit has the instant ability of making you look like mix between the pope, Amelia Earhart, and someone who has completely no clue of what they are doing.

4. The Long Galila:

When the torah is taking longer to dress than your wife, you know your screwed.

3. Mourners' Confusion:

You've just begun to belt out one of the most emotionally stirring kaddish recitations of your entire mourning period when suddenly half the congregation screams: "EHHHHHHHH AAAAH NNNNNUUU SHHHHH!!!" - which is actually the compassionate way of saying in Hebrew, "THAT Kaddish isn't said now, stupid".

2. in Someone's Seat:

How was I supposed to know it was the Rabbi's seat ?

1. The 1.5 column Hagbah:

You know what they say about folks who do small hagbahs...

Top 10 Signs You've Spent Too Much Time In Shul

10. Absolutely nothing left to talk about with people who sat near you during Yom Tov.
9. Before opening garage door, a voice in your head says "va ya he bin"
8. Dry cleaning tab from suits, dresses, kittel and tallis higher than October electric bill.
7. Mistakenly hand train conductor a dollar for the pushka.
6. Instinctively start counting people when you enter room.
5. Show up to work with tallis on.
4. Saying "yasher koach" way too often and out of context.
3. Punctuate coworkers' presentations with "baruch hu baruch shemo"
2. Wake up singing verses from Hallel.
1. Craving herring, scotch and sponge cake for breakfast.

Top 10 Ways to get into Trouble In Shul

10. Keep asking what page. Start at the beginning, follow to the end.
9. Shorts on Shabbas.
8. Keep talking. Even during the quiet times. Remember kindergarten? Go to the corner.
7. Taking herring home from kiddush. In your pocket.
6. Blackberry. iPhone. Android. Ain't no such thing as "hatzi-shabbas"
5. Snoring.
4. Showing up at Aleynu. Especially when there's a hot kiddush.
3. Saying: "You're in my seat." If it was yours, you'd be in it from the opening baruch.
2. Never bringing a bottle. EVER.
1. Run for president.

Tefillin Usage Guide

We're all about tefillin use and have provided this guide to help you in your wrapping.

Lines last for:	What it means
15 minutes	You're supposed to WRAP them not place them on your arm.
30 minutes	You probably end Alaynu with a "puddle" of leather at your wrist. Wrap it tighter!
1 hour	These marks last through breakfast. What happens when the Lubuvitcher kid asks you if you wrapped today? How will you prove it?
2 hours	A decent wrap, but could be tighter. Try harder!
3 hours	Not a bad wrap. Bet they felt just as good coming off as going on?
4 hours	Lasting until lunch time! A real knacker!
5 hours	How blue was your arm during the Amidah? You're have trouble lifting anything heavier than a 1 oz. glass.
6+ hours	A liitle too tight. First sign? your arm just fell off due to atropy.