Jokes

Puns, malapropisms, tall tales - but not "dad" jokes

Notes from the Rebitzen

We have many friends in the Kiddush Club, one of whom is our friend the Rebitzen who lives in Ramat Beit Shemesh. Originally from New Orleans, Before moving to Israel, she taught English as a Second Language at a public high school in Toronto. She likes to send us things she's found or written and we like to put them online for her.

THINGS I LEARNED IN HEBREW SCHOOL

The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana
Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.
No meal is complete without leftovers.
According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
A 'shmata'is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
You need ten men for a minion, but only four for gin rummy.
One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
Never take a front row seat at a Bris.
Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
Always whisper the names of diseases.
If it tastes good, it's probably not Kosher.
If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it.
If you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.</ol>

Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards:

Under the same management for over 5,772 years.
Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.
What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?
Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.</ol>

More Jewish Stuff

My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty.<br>
They sent her home because she insisted SHE was guilty.

Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders pastrami on white bread instead of rye, somewhere a Jew dies.

An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital.

A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr. Gevarter, are you comfortable?""I make a living...." he replies.

A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet
of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word:
"shmuck."

At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known
many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names,
but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his
name...and forgot to write a letter."

Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being
seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long,
slow "oy." The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long,
slow "oy." The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Girls,
I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."

And one final favorite: A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, "Is anything alright?

20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in."
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds."
Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
Don't use any punctuation
As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
Order diet water with a serious face whenever you go out to eat.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, "Rock Bottom."
When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"
When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!"
Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.
And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity, Tell someone about this website to make them smile, It's called therapy.

How to Stay Safe in the World Today

Avoid riding in automobiles because they are responsible for 20 percent of all fatal accidents.
Do not stay at home because 17 percent of all accidents occur in the home. <i>(that's 37% already)
Avoid walking on streets or sidewalks because 14 percent of all accidents occur to pedestrians.(now that's 51%)
Avoid traveling by air, rail, or water because 16 percent of all accidents involve these forms of transportation. (that's 67%)
Of the remaining 33 percent, 32 percent of all deaths occur in hospitals. Above all else, avoid hospitals.
You will be pleased to learn that only 0.01 percent of all deaths occur in a synagogue, and these are usually related to previous physical disorders. Therefore logic tells us that the safest place for you to be at any given point in time is in Synagogue services. Torah Study is even safer. The number of deaths
For safety's sake, go to Shul as often as possible, and attend Torah Study. It could save your life.

Sensible Observations

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." -Author Unknown
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." -Author Unknown
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -Drew Carey
"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." -Jeff Foxworthy
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." -Dave Barry
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." -Bob Ettinger
"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim. " -Paula Poundstone
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." -Conan O'Brien
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." -Lynda Montgomery
"I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west." -Richard Jeni
"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." -Johnny Carson
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." -Paul Rodriguez
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law." -Jerry Seinfeld
"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" -Warren Hutcherson
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." -Oscar Wilde
"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." -Mark Twain
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." -A. Whitney Brown
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that! ' " -Dave Barry
Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. -Unknown, presumed deceased
"Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I''ll have another beer." -W. C. Fields

130 Puns

Some say that puns are the highest form of humour. You decide.

A pun (or paronomasia) is a phrase that deliberately exploits confusion between similar-sounding words for humorous or rhetorical effect.
A pun may also cause confusion between two senses of the same written or spoken word, due to homophony, homography, homonymy, polysemy, or metaphorical usage. Walter Redfern has said: "To pun is to treat homonyms as synonyms".[1] Another definition has said that a pun is a word that has two different meanings used simultaneously. For example, in the phrase, "There is nothing punny about bad puns", the pun takes place in the deliberate confusion of the implied word "funny" by the substitution of the word "punny", a heterophone of "funny". By definition, puns must be deliberate; an involuntary substitution of similar words is called a malapropism.
Puns are a form of word play, and occur in all languages.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. Now it's syncing.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst kind.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd
never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a type-O.
PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.
We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she
couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Broken pencils are really pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? The saurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of Communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
The earthquake in Washington was obviously the government's fault.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
Velcro. What a rip off!
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger..'
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh . . . no pun in ten did!
Two antennae met on a roof, fell in love and got married.The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:"A beer please, and one for the road."
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms!"
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
I don't like hanging out at the pancake house, that place gives me the crepes!
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said "No change yet"
There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid big league bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, now. Settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"
A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
By the way, the guy who wrote the 10 puns above entered them in a contest. He figured with 10 entries, he couldn't lose. As they were reading the list of winners, he was really hoping one of his puns would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
In my youth, I was told about a stadium full of Basques who were watching soccer, when someone shouted 'Fire!', and a lot of people were killed stampeding out .....which just goes to show how silly it is to put all your Basques in one exit!
Mon Dieu! A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how a great thief could mastermind such a crime and still make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
And now you're wondering how I had De Gaulle to send this on to someone else. Hey! I figure I had nothing Toulouse!
The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin and crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross.
Netflix have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo. Unfortunately, it's only available on Paper View.
Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day. The agent says, "Sean, I've got you a job, starts tomorrow, early. You'll have to be there for 10-ish". Sean furrows his brow and says, "Tennish? But I don`t even have a racket."
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Practise safe eating - always use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)
A backwards poet writes inverse.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "....When you wish to pawn a Star, it makes no difference who you are."