Notes from the Rebitzen

We have many friends in the Kiddush Club, one of whom is our rebitzen. She likes to send us things she's found or written and we like to put them online for her.

THINGS I LEARNED IN HEBREW SCHOOL

  1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana
  2. Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.
  3. No meal is complete without leftovers.
  4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
  5. A 'shmata'is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
  6. You need ten men for a minion, but only four for gin rummy.
  7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
  8. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
  9. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.
  10. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
  11. Always whisper the names of diseases.
  12. If it tastes good, it's probably not Kosher.
  13. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it.
  14. If you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.

Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards:

  1. Under the same management for over 5,772 years.
  2. Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.
  3. What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?
  4. Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.

More Jewish Stuff

  1. My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty.
    They sent her home because she insisted SHE was guilty.
  2. Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders pastrami on white bread instead of rye, somewhere a Jew dies.
  3. An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital.
    A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr. Gevarter, are you comfortable?"
    "I make a living...." he replies.
  4. A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck."
    At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name...and forgot to write a letter."
  5. Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy." The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy." The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."
  6. And one final favorite: A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, "Is anything alright?
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